jueves, noviembre 30, 2006

BURUNDANGA - Rezongo electoral

- ¿En qué momento la campaña electoral se volvió un concurso de ver quién grita más fuerte? Ahora mismo escucho tantos ruidos que vienen de la calle que ya ni tiene sentido tratar de disfrutar un cd. Un tipo lanza gritos amplificados de atrévete y otro le responde con incontables uh, ah. Cornetas en un coro insufrible. Cohetones. Una ambulancia. O una sirena de quién sabe qué carajos. Pienso en el aviso a cuatro páginas a todo color que puso el gobierno hoy en El Universal y saco cuentas: eso debe suponer como 200 millones de bolívares. Ahí en cuatro páginas que ya deben estar cagadas y meadas de perros y gatos se fueron las casas de la gente que se clavó las manos en esa protesta desesperada pidiendo un techo. Rosales también se viene lanzando un montón de avisos que hacen suponer que hay mucho poder económico detrás. Los dos comandos vaciaron las arcas el último día de campaña: unos las del estado y otros las de privados que hicieron su apuesta. Desesperados por convencer a quienes aún no lo están. ¿Es posible que hoy todavía exista gente que no haya decidido su voto? Nada de eso. La cosa es avasallar, sacar el pecho y demostrar quién es el fuerte aquí. Aturdir.

- De pronto los ruidos se me transforman en algo distinto. Traqueteo de armas que van pasando a manos de civiles. Gritos de militares y jefazos de ministerios adoctrinando, intimidando: ustedes van y votan por el líder, porque vamos a saber a quién le darán el voto. Y cuando los llamemos, en la madrugada, se encasquetan el uniforme, que la patria les exige defender la revolución.

- Intentando olvidar el peo, pienso en Eduardo Rodríguez e Idania Chirinos. ¿Porqué hacen lo que hacen? Se buscan a alguien para entrevistar. Pero son incapaces de formular una pregunta de manera sencilla. Abren con un signo de interrogación y a partir de ahí se van a la deriva: opinan, aleccionan, reflexionan, dan su punto de vista y no terminan de hacer la puta pregunta. El entrevistado se queda mudo esperando a que pongan el signo de cierre. Y en ese segundo de silencio, el otro o la otra, suelta tres o cuatro pendejeras más. Para entonces ya estoy harto: cambio la emisora. No me interesan tus tonterías Idania, ni las tuyas Eduardo, ambos con ese tono de “voz de la conciencia”, de “ciudadanos ejemplares preocupadísimos”. Me interesaba la respuesta. Por favor, para eso no llamen a nadie. Dedíquense mejor al “yo digo y tú dices”. Y listo.

- Marta Colomina es otra. Orienta al cómo debe ser la respuesta o el comentario del entrevistado. Y si no va por el camino que ella quiere, pues le interrumpe, se exaspera y trata de meterlo en el carril. Pero si el interlocutor coge línea y le dice lo que ella quiere oír, entonces es calificado de “excelente analista”. La atropellada Colomina. Aquí se dice lo que yo quiero que digan: hace unos meses me convencía de que no valía la pena votar. Ahora trata de hacer lo contrario con todo y que jura que el fraude está listo. Casi prefiero escuchar a Penzini diciendo “Gatorade”. O “avena cuaiquer”.

- ¿Y Maripili? No me jodas. Creo que ya no tiene el cargo –con esta gente uno nunca sabe- , pero siempre me pregunté qué coño hacía una viceministra, una tipa con cargo público, haciendo la pantomima de que es periodista. Entrevistando a los compañeritos de partido y cobrando cuñas de organismos oficiales para redondearse el sueldo. Qué vaina tan sabrosa es la golilla. ¿Es que acaso el trabajo de viceministra no le quita tiempo?

- Si Rosales se convence de que ganó, va a cobrar. Ganamos y cobramos. Es lo que ha dicho. ¿Y el otro? ¿El tipo va a entregar? Pajaritos preñados. Hoy me citaron a no sé quién: que el árbol de la libertad cada tanto requiere que lo rieguen con sangre. Será.

- Yo ya tengo mi provisión. Mi compra nerviosa: cuatro botellas de whisky. Esas vergas que ahora llaman “two-pack”. No hay mejor compañero que el campaneo. Pero me gustaría aplicarme una dosis de burundanga y regresar a la conciencia el miércoles o el jueves. ¿Cuántos días tardarán en recoger a los muertos? ¿Los habrá? ¿Alguien tendrá las pelotas de decir aquí hubo fraude y me dan mi vaina? Dios quiera y me equivoque.

- ¿Qué será de la vida de Mendoza? ¿Y de Pérez Recao? ¿Y de Carmona? ¿Y del pajúo trisoleado? La puta que los parió…

- Y tú Caldera Infante. Te puedes ir bien largo al carajo con tu bolsa y tu movida de última hora. No se olvida que fuiste un gran jalabolas, que llenaste las paredes de Fogade con afiches de Hugo, que despediste a un montón de gente por haber firmado, que te fuiste a guisar con Acosta Carlez, que eres un arrastrao oportunista. Como decía un amigo: “Hacete dar”.

- ¿Y el anunciado especial con Chávez de Venevisión encadenada con VTV y Telesur? Con Eduardo, el vivaracho de Croes y el comenabo Arreaza. Cisneros no sólo se bajó los pantalones, sino que le gustó dejárselos abajo. ¿Ya no recuerdas cuando saliste de Cuba?

- Un tipo a quien le dicen “cacharro”, con esa cara de beodo y esos ojos saltones, un sapo en flux diciéndote en la madrugada que el 60-40 no era el que tú pensabas, te da arrechera y hasta risa. Un tipo como el psiquiatra, te da sólo arrechera. Pero, ¿Tibisay? ¡Carajo! De sólo imaginar su rostro redondo y cachetón, su voz sin afinación posible, anunciando los números que complazcan a su jefe, ya lo que da es grima. Tibisay, un favorcito mamita, que la mala noticia la de otra persona, no nos eches el vainón de desayunarnos contigo en la pantalla.

- VTV es curioso. En este momento su presidente –un “periodista”- está diciendo que ya los medios de comunicación “no le van a decir al pueblo venezolano por quien votar”. Y lo hace justo después que menearon las nalgas con una cancioncita que dice –justamente- por quien es que hay que votar.

- Y se acabó: voy a servirme un whisky. El domingo, con todo y la esquizofrenia, salgo a votar. Dispensen ustedes la descarga, es que se me acabó el hielo.

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